22 January 2017

Movies: The Bat People (1974)

The Bat People (1974) We open with some supposedly scary images of bats, personally they look adorable. And then cut to a man rolling around clutching his neck, while having a nightmare. Cue credits, with spooky theme song.
We're out in a desert/cactus type area, a little bit of mansplaining/exposition, woman scared by bat, man heroic by throwing rocks at it. After this, presumably foreshadowing, they take a tour of a cave. Subtle this ain't. Kathy (the wife) falls down part of the cave, this annoys the man.

I think it's worth quoting, in full, the IMDB summary:
"After being bitten by a bat in a cave, a doctor undergoes an accelerating transformation into a man-bat, which ruins his vacation and causes considerable distress for his wife."

Arrgghhh, bats !!! Johnny (our main man) has been bitten! More nightmares by Johnny as they appear to up a ski-lift. Look I don't understand either. Just run with it. Some nice tinkly piano music while they go skiing, and more chair lift action, this time with flute ! And we cut to a hot pool in the snow where Johnny and Kathy are sipping cocktails. Johnny chokes on his drink, and cuts himself. We all feel his pain. 
After some more exposition and general 'don't be a silly woman' type comments from the doctor, we see Johnny turning into a Bat-person. 
Johnny is admitted to the hospital and attacks a nurse, then goes on the lam by stealing an ambulance, which leads to a dull car chase. He holes up with (tickbox alert) a garrulous drunk who dispenses folksy wisdom. Things got a bit slow around here so I did the ironing.
Let's cut to Johnny going back into the cave, and Kathy wandering aimlessly around town at night. 
More crap happens. It's been rather dull. 

21 January 2017

Movies: The Vampire Lovers (1970)

I'm feeling crap, so crap movies will help, right? Next up on the 4 movies, 1 disc, for less than a fiver, quality entertainment is The Vampire Lovers. One of the Hammer collab movies.
We open with a voiceover describing the Karstein family. We even get uncalled for emphasis on the word 'thrust', oohhh i'm coming over all queer just thinking about it.
Lots of Ludwig type castles, dry ice, busty maidens, and now a dead chap staggers into the pub. Those Karsteins are at it again!!
And now, Ingrid Pitt. There's a win right there. Peter Cushing appears at least twice the age of everyone else in the movie.
There is an awful lot of exposition in this movie, oh well. Our simpering heroine is corrupted by the bad lady vampire, she keeps having nightmares and is becoming so very pale. Oh noes! could it be !? quick, cut to kissing and heaving bosums, ahhh that'll help. It's fair to say fuck all is happening, I guess they hope there's a storyline, but largely its occasional exposition interrupted by lesbian vamp action. Or at least strongly hinted at lesbian action kissing and boobs, followed by slow fades. Our vamp is now corrupting the mother. booyar.
The serious old white men have decided there are vampires, and now they're off to kill them. Cue dry ice, they're off to the castle !
Overall, predictable, slow, but not too painful.

8 January 2017

Movies: The Screaming Skull [1958]

There's a top albums 2016 coming at some point, but in the meantime...

Even by my standards this is cheap, four movies on one DVD. For well under a fiver. So first up : The Screaming Skull. We get a voiceover, warning us it is so scary that it may kill us, and offering us free burials. Nice.
On we go, opening on a skull in water. Ohhh nice Mercedes driving along, one of those pretty gullwing merc's. [car talk? from me? sheesh] They're in a run down house, a unique fixer-upper opportunity, they're newly weds, and his previous wife died, ahhh this is his house he's returned to...we sense there's a plot device about to happen there.
The gardener has 'issues' !! More plot devices!!
She died when it was raining. Her skull smashed, thankfully there are men around to man-splain this to the new wife. And the audience. Lucky break that.
A banging window scares the new wife, who is then petrified at a painting of the old wife. Man calms her down. Silly woman. We notice the new wife looks very similar to the old wife. Things potter along, and the new wife is left alone in the house at night! She see's a skull, her hand bleeds, much moody lighting ensues, oh and the gardener is ambling around.
this is not a pacy movie. I've just seen it's only 30 mins in, it feels like significantly longer than that...
She throws the skull (from the cupboard) out the window, it bounces on the lawn and grins back at her. Like the catty bitch of a first wife, the skull comes back. Ohhh the new wife is very shapely in her diaphanous nightwear :)
Ahhh she's been told she's 'very impressionable' - huzzah. Another tick box for the 50s horror movies.
More shenanigans with the skull, Micky the gardener gets slapped around a bit more (literally).

Yet more skull action, and a ghostly apparition, much craziness. Not much plot tho'. Highlight? possibly the skull getting all bitey.