Movies: Deadly Species & Carnivore

Deadly Species (2002)

In a shocking turn of events a Uni professor can’t get a grant to fund research into indigenous tribes. A mysterious, and implied dodgy, benefactor steps up. Everyone is very clean, and white. Dodgy man is apparently an amateur cryptozoologist. He’s obviously bad as he’s got a goatee. They’re going into the everglades, which was obviously cheaper to film than anywhere else. 

Acting is abysmal, camera work worse, and script non-existent.  But we’ve had a couple of ‘gator shots, so all is not lost. Also as of 25mins in, only one boob shot. 

A key plot (?) point just happened, they find the rucksack of a ‘renegade anthropologist’ and her camp.  They’re all searching for a lost tribe of native americans in the everglades, and the monster who terrorised them. Brilliant!

Oh dear, the attractive student has just been killed by a monster. shame.

And that ended the plot, as far as we could tell. There were more murders, a fountain of youth, a slow-motion spinning coin, and a displaced spaniard. Oh and heroism by the indians. It all made for a very confusing, and amusing, movie.

Carnivore (2000)

This is truly bad. I cannot overstate how bad it is. Acting, script, ‘plot’, camerawork, everything is bad. I think the plot is an experimental animal (carnivore) escapes from the lab and holes up in an abandoned house, where the perennial cute college kids visiting. 

This movie is ace. I would recommend booze (I had caffeine and cake), and the ability recall some of the stunningly good dialogue. It’s all win. The scene where the female investigator realises the creature is dying, makes the pathos of Frankenstein seem hackneyed and cliched(*).

research on this film (well ok, IMDB and wiki) suggests it was filmed over a large number of years on a micro budget, before being picked up for distribution in 2000. 

(*) not really. 

Movie: Bloody Murder (2000)

Must be time for another bgrade review. This time we're hitting the current century, mostly, Bloody Murder (2000).

Young couples car breaks down! oh no! oh yayay a nearby local is there to help, oh noes! he's got a hockey mask and a chainsaw.

Cut to daytime, and someone telling a horror story. And now the credits. The kids are going to camp counsellors, and there's conflict! Ex-college track competitors! The tension!

Lots of homages to Friday 13th, intentional ones too. Already we've got sexual tension dynamics hooked up, well done that director and, I hesitate to say, writer.
Eeeekkkk creepy old guy telling cute college girl that Nelson is coming back for revenge. We now learn, old guy is called Henry.

Cut to night scene drinking at the lake and playing a game called bloody murder. Even for mindless crap, this is, err, mindless.
20mins in, no nudity or murder, but underwear during make out in the woods.
28mins, well we've had a murder. huzzah ! This means the cops are involved now!
Witney has gone. Jason (nice touch!) is being accused It's all very dramatic. Oh a death at the archery field, that's a bit different. And we've old school email checking. All very retro.

Overall? cliched, predictable, and pointless in terms of adding anything to a horror genre. And therefore fun, mindless entertainment.

Movie: Deadly Impact

It seems I've been remiss about posting. I should fix that.

First up, a movie. Even better, a Fred Williamson movie. Deadly Impact. Always a sign of quality that Fred.
We open with a comp geek (oohhh sexy 80s computers) and his girlfriend who are winning on the pokie machines, he gets killed. Svenson grabs his buddy Williamson (a helicopter pilot, for some reason), and they go investigating. It's kinda like an Eddie Murphy buddy cop show. But Williamson, and his moustache, beat Murph's everyday.
There's car chases, lots of shooting (yaya for bullet proof vests), smart arse comments (Williamson), laconic dryness (Svenson), and it all rocks along nicely.


Here's the trailer. Go on, 90mins of quality.

Movies: Iron Angel

We open with a CONVOY going heading through mountains, panning back to some generic asian looking military types, he raises his hand and explosive music kicks in, along with the credits. Welcome to Iron Angel and the heroic manly GIs. Sadly not gastro-intestinal.
Lots of instructions, warnings of guns, it's sketchy but it's all we've got. Classy. Oh no! conflict between the lieutenant and the sergeant, but 'he'll get that gun, you can bet your life on it'. this could be a long one.
And now some random people dancing, with the GI's. they all appear to be losing clothes at a rate of knots. but it is B&W so not that many clothes.

The GIs found a first aid truck, the head of the medics is woman! But she's got moxie! Dear god this is bad. having mentioned god, there's a strong undercurrent of god bothering in this movie too. they're having an emotional scene recently the lords prayer while one of them dies. FFS.
Probably avoid this one.

Movies: The Bat People (1974)

The Bat People (1974) We open with some supposedly scary images of bats, personally they look adorable. And then cut to a man rolling around clutching his neck, while having a nightmare. Cue credits, with spooky theme song.
We're out in a desert/cactus type area, a little bit of mansplaining/exposition, woman scared by bat, man heroic by throwing rocks at it. After this, presumably foreshadowing, they take a tour of a cave. Subtle this ain't. Kathy (the wife) falls down part of the cave, this annoys the man.

I think it's worth quoting, in full, the IMDB summary:
"After being bitten by a bat in a cave, a doctor undergoes an accelerating transformation into a man-bat, which ruins his vacation and causes considerable distress for his wife."

Arrgghhh, bats !!! Johnny (our main man) has been bitten! More nightmares by Johnny as they appear to up a ski-lift. Look I don't understand either. Just run with it. Some nice tinkly piano music while they go skiing, and more chair lift action, this time with flute ! And we cut to a hot pool in the snow where Johnny and Kathy are sipping cocktails. Johnny chokes on his drink, and cuts himself. We all feel his pain. 
After some more exposition and general 'don't be a silly woman' type comments from the doctor, we see Johnny turning into a Bat-person. 
Johnny is admitted to the hospital and attacks a nurse, then goes on the lam by stealing an ambulance, which leads to a dull car chase. He holes up with (tickbox alert) a garrulous drunk who dispenses folksy wisdom. Things got a bit slow around here so I did the ironing.
Let's cut to Johnny going back into the cave, and Kathy wandering aimlessly around town at night. 
More crap happens. It's been rather dull. 

Movies: The Vampire Lovers (1970)

I'm feeling crap, so crap movies will help, right? Next up on the 4 movies, 1 disc, for less than a fiver, quality entertainment is The Vampire Lovers. One of the Hammer collab movies.
We open with a voiceover describing the Karstein family. We even get uncalled for emphasis on the word 'thrust', oohhh i'm coming over all queer just thinking about it.
Lots of Ludwig type castles, dry ice, busty maidens, and now a dead chap staggers into the pub. Those Karsteins are at it again!!
And now, Ingrid Pitt. There's a win right there. Peter Cushing appears at least twice the age of everyone else in the movie.
There is an awful lot of exposition in this movie, oh well. Our simpering heroine is corrupted by the bad lady vampire, she keeps having nightmares and is becoming so very pale. Oh noes! could it be !? quick, cut to kissing and heaving bosums, ahhh that'll help. It's fair to say fuck all is happening, I guess they hope there's a storyline, but largely its occasional exposition interrupted by lesbian vamp action. Or at least strongly hinted at lesbian action kissing and boobs, followed by slow fades. Our vamp is now corrupting the mother. booyar.
The serious old white men have decided there are vampires, and now they're off to kill them. Cue dry ice, they're off to the castle !
Overall, predictable, slow, but not too painful.

Movies: The Screaming Skull [1958]

There's a top albums 2016 coming at some point, but in the meantime...

Even by my standards this is cheap, four movies on one DVD. For well under a fiver. So first up : The Screaming Skull. We get a voiceover, warning us it is so scary that it may kill us, and offering us free burials. Nice.
On we go, opening on a skull in water. Ohhh nice Mercedes driving along, one of those pretty gullwing merc's. [car talk? from me? sheesh] They're in a run down house, a unique fixer-upper opportunity, they're newly weds, and his previous wife died, ahhh this is his house he's returned to...we sense there's a plot device about to happen there.
The gardener has 'issues' !! More plot devices!!
She died when it was raining. Her skull smashed, thankfully there are men around to man-splain this to the new wife. And the audience. Lucky break that.
A banging window scares the new wife, who is then petrified at a painting of the old wife. Man calms her down. Silly woman. We notice the new wife looks very similar to the old wife. Things potter along, and the new wife is left alone in the house at night! She see's a skull, her hand bleeds, much moody lighting ensues, oh and the gardener is ambling around.
this is not a pacy movie. I've just seen it's only 30 mins in, it feels like significantly longer than that...
She throws the skull (from the cupboard) out the window, it bounces on the lawn and grins back at her. Like the catty bitch of a first wife, the skull comes back. Ohhh the new wife is very shapely in her diaphanous nightwear :)
Ahhh she's been told she's 'very impressionable' - huzzah. Another tick box for the 50s horror movies.
More shenanigans with the skull, Micky the gardener gets slapped around a bit more (literally).

Yet more skull action, and a ghostly apparition, much craziness. Not much plot tho'. Highlight? possibly the skull getting all bitey.

Movies: Frankenhooker (1990)

I'm 'busy' prepping for christmas dinner, so while the pavlova is cooking...it's time for some sleazy horror, Frankenhooker. I know on title alone, how can it fail.
We open with a chap slicing into a brain, which has an eye attached, encouraging it to follow his hand. this is done on the kitchen table. There is some terrible over acting, so this is starting well.

Jeffrey likes operating on things, he's a part-time doctor, kinda. An automated mower, has just killed Jeffrey's fiance Elizabeth, 'reduced to a tossed human salad', although parts of her are missing! I think we suspect Jeffrey !! Mainly because he's been designing an electric circuit for a human, with Elizabeth's head at the top.
Jeffrey is concerned he's becoming amoral, his mother offers him a sandwich.
'To new beginnings...' to Elizabeth's head and various body parts. He's a hopeless romantic, and is awaiting a storm to make her a whole new her. Even the weatherman says the storm will be ideal for mad doctors out there. He's now drilling a hole in his own head, to get in the mood to abduct a hooker. But he wants 6-7 women, who he measures to create his perfect body - sadly the crack he'd made, which they took, makes people explode. With very cheap effects, brilliant.

Elizabeth, reanimated, reconstituted, appears to have the personality of a hooker. So she's off to town. Things don't go well. Ohhh evidence body parts can self-assemble. Elizabeth then saves Jeffrey.

Overall? Quality entertainment here.

Movies: Van Nuys Blvd

Van Nuys Blvd [1979]: We open in a sunny car based US city, funky music, cuts to woman getting ready, while a lad drives his van across vaguely rural countryside. Soundtrack is getting better and better.  She loses her clothes, and cracks him a beer. He doesn't seem very interested in shagging her. He watches a news article on Van Nuys Blvd, and expresses his displeasure at this small tin pot town, and takes off for VNB. In his van.
We're now enjoying a very extended sequence of people cruising up and down VNB. Thankfully the tune is good. Oh look a drive in restaurant.
"no-one calls chooch a creep" - stunning dialogue between guy the cop pulled over, and the cop (the cop is crooked, and called Zass).
Those kids, all that car racing. Crooked cops. All happening here.
It all appears to be an excuse for dance routines, drive in restaurants, and beach parties.  It's pretty damn bad, and although there's lots of sun and nipples, basically everyone seems to be whining at each other. But the kids do get one over the cop, or 'the man' as they adorably refer to him. In what may have been an amusing metaphor to the directors, a pig is released and runs around the beach. Yes. There are a number of vignettes of this type.


Here's the theme song. It's great.

And now, the full movie

Movies : Scorpion [1986]

Scorpion opens in a mexican/spanish? village. With a ferrari. We move into a bar, there's a lot of hairy angry looking men. They exchange meaningful glances, a fight breaks out. More tragically a beer is spilled, and they switch the jukebox off.
The credits are rolling with suitably epic synth led music, also we're in Spain. For some reason we're now in Amsterdam. We learn the president has allowed pre-emptive strikes. OMFG, coincidence or what, but there's been a sky-jacking! Our top man, Scorpion, is going on the plane (it's on the ground), the hijacker has the worlds worst German accent. Which isn't nearly as offensive as Scorpion's very short shorts.
Oh he won. He beat all the terrorists. Amazing.

Now he's on the hunt for the big bad terrorist. People keep getting shot, synthtastic.
Hospital scene had the classic soundtrack "Dr. Blair, Dr. Blair, Dr. J. Hamilton, Dr. J. Hamilton" - sadly the guitars didn't kick in. Our hero is sad now, his friend is dead. He's now passing through the stages, is on anger. But the bad guys are in the hospital now, our hero has sprung into action. As has a slowly pulsing bass synth.
This movie is not rocking along. Our German is trying to escape, slowly. More people are dead, and yet the plot hasn't moved. I know i'm expecting too much. But really, moody shots of a grumpy hero are wearing a little thin now.
Oh bollocks, I'm only an hour in, there's another 38mins !
I think we've reached the penultimate fight scene, it's dire.
For some reason we're on a boat now. Chasing someone. For some reason. Everything is moving so slowly, the editor needs a serious talking to. But anyway, we get more synth heavy tunes, so it's not all bad.
A solid 2/10.

Movies : House (1986)

House was on the HorrorChannel the other night, so I'm watching it on Sunday morning. I haven't seen this for years - all I really remember is that william katt (greatest american hero) is in it.

Starts off with atmospheric (very Goblin-esque) music, as we pan around a gothic house, and see a delivery boy head up to it. He explores the house, and we find Mrs Hooper just hangin' around. Cut to a rain lashed graveyard with the young looking willian katt.
Huzzah, a reference to 'nam. God bless those crazy 'murcins! And now some back story, the loss of Jimmy, and some high action diving action by Katt. Emotional !!!

Next door neighbour - George Wendt.

Our hero, cobb (katt) decided to move into the house to write his next book - also about 'nam, cos all his books are about 'nam. We have a flashback. He's spooked by some visions of horrors, so sets up some betamax camera's (yeah!!) to capture them, we even get two dive rolls.  The stuffed fish, attached to the wall, is now trying to attack him.
Things potter along, with a lot of 'nam flashbacks, and helpful neighbour interludes, we even get a song. It's nice and light hearted, even if it's not entirely sure if it's a horror-comedy, or a horror.

Worth watching, and stood up well after 20+ years since I last watched it.

Movies : The Silencer

The Silencer, another action movie, this time from 1992. It opens with some stunning 8bit computer game type stuff, with the theme song "the silencer, her body is her weapon". Because I love you, I've found the opening credits, you need this in your life:

They've obviously been watching a number of Bond movies, but decided they weren't cheesy enough, and what Bond was missing was a voiceover - from a video game console (those big free standing things).
Our hero (and also heroine) like silencers, they used to be a couple, but for reasons I probably missed, she's now in the video console. But he's narrating stuff, as if it's sex. It's all very emotional. Well for him anyway. For me, the flu is proving more engrossing. Our heroine is very curvy, is wearing a very short top showing a little *cough* breast. And quite lovely they are too. The officer, isn't as convinced the brunette's 'liplocking' is relevant.
Ahh 10mins in, we have nakedness. They're taking a bath. This is supposed to be sexy. I need more cough medicine for this. Lots of slow mo soapyness, which appears to be going on for awhile. Now we have him talking to the video console again. I guess that was a flash back, which we listen to an accordion player. I'm confused. Already. Bodes brilliantly !!
I think, our two are using the computer game to get targets, but it's all very confusing. Or maybe they're not. But no matter, there's a lot of synth based early90s dance music.
They've almost just met, but killed a corrupt vice cop instead. Look, I'm sure it made sense to the writer.
Fight scenes are abysmal, although in saying that they're an accurate reflection of the acting.
"i kill people, it's my job", "bullshit". and that was the emotional scene.

Actually, I have no idea what happened. Definitely recommended. I'm just not sure why.

I have found the trailer:

and the theme song

Movies: Knight Rider 2000

HorrorChannel has a reasonable record for crap Bgrades, and my trusty freesat recording helps. Or at least enables.
So Knight Rider 2000 . It's unbelievably bad, really really bad. But at the same time, in true car crash fashion, can't stop watching.
And the guest stars are worth it. Script is dire, acting even worse, and I feel for Mitch Pileggi.
Rogue cop, thinks the department is corrupt, and moves to Knight Industries.
Things potter along. Kitt gets moved into a newer car.

Movies : Sexy Killer

A Spanish horror movie from 2008, Sexy Killer was on the Horror Channel a few weeks ago and with my new and exciting Humax FreeSat + external harddrive, the world is my oyster. Opens with a bunch of attractive young ladies getting changed and bitching about each other. Followed a peeping tom getting a little decapitated by our sexy killer. And she is. Very.
All with a lounge version of Barbie Girl.
It's very funny, in a very black kinda way. Reminds me a lot of Takeshi Miike. The small interludes are inspired, inclduing a guide to murder using common kitchen implements in the style of a home cooking show.
Additionally we get machines which pull back memories from the dead, zombies, and a killer soundtrack. The reanimated zombies pottering around the morgue is 'different'...but never fear, they're off to a party.

Highly recommended.

Movies : Kill Point

I would like to point out I do watch other types of movies, for example Belleville Rendezvous was watched last night, but really, none of you want reviews of that.

I cracked open the Action Pack 12 movie set today, and first up was 'Kill Point' (1984). You know it's good, as Richard Roundtree is involved, and by good, I mean bad. We open with a soldier shooting someone, he looks focussed, and now a flashback and the title.
Everyone has guns, and there's a dinner in progress, with a deep voiceover followed by a massacre.
Brilliant - cop chief is fat with a big moustache, even better his name is Skidmore, and he answers the phone with 'skidmore'.
Our heroes include an Asian called 'Long', played by leo fong, see what they did there?
There's a shootout in a grocery store, and someone went flying through a stack of eggs. Yes, this movie has it all, even albumin abuse. More flashbacks for Long, this time about a girl, I guess this is to explain why he looks so morose. But enough of that, it's montage time!! Fong-tage!
What the hell? now got country music. ahhh following some guns, we're back to electronic drums and bad synths. *phew*
There is some sort of plot about gun runners. It doesn't make much (?any?) sense. And Long is continuing to look morose, but he knows kung fu. Because he's asian. Obviously. I need a beer, this is getting to me.

Movies : Drive in massacre & Mesa of Lost Women

It keeps raining and it's muggy, so I can't be bothered doing much. I've finished putting the accordion back together, so it must be movie time.

First up was the 1976 slasher, Drive in massacre.
there was a lot of marketing about this being terrifying etc - it was OK. In a incompetent cops, dead people, odd characters kinda way.  Bit hard to review as it kinda wandered around a lot. It would work as a late night drive in movie, and it did end nicely with the voiceover "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the manager. Do not panic. There is a murderer loose in the theater. I repeat, do not panic. The police are on the way. "

But, because I'm generous, here's the full thing:

Next up, the 1953 'mesa of lost women'. Starts off quite typically of the 50s sci fi horror movies, lots of voiceover, strong jawed hero - male doctor (as expected) - couple gets lost in a desert and claims

there's people in there!
We find out about a mad scientist (also male), called Dr Arana. He's probably up to no good, but he has a dwarf, so swings n roundabouts. OMG he's breeding a super race of woman with tarantula venom. We've moved into a mexican cantina, one of the spider women (?) is about to dance, she's very sultry, arachnosultry. Could she be entrapping the men in her dancey web? Ah not so much, she was shot - but now she's alive again. "The body just got up and walked out of here."
Crazy doctor makes a plane crash, they wander (very slowly) through a forest, it's painful. So very painful. Ah we're back to Dr Arana who is sending out more super women out to get them. 
Not overly recommended. 

HEre's the full thing:

Movies : Don't look in the basement

Don't look in the basement (1973)
We open with an army flashback, in what (we presume) is a psych ward. The old nurse is saying farewell to her patients. Gus is now murdering people with an axe.
The new nurse has arrived, she's a bit confused by things. and the inmates are targeting her. huzzah.
Everyone is over acting, and they're all very shiny.
there is a lot of exposition. Dr Stephen's looms large, non of us very sure why.
A new character, a phone repairer, has arrived. Things don't look good for him. There has to be a nympho character and she's now talking to the phone guy. Meanwhile a knife is being inflicted on our nurse. 50 mins and no hint of a plot or character development yet.

Really bad boring movie.

Movies: Driller Killer

The Driller Killer
I think they were going for a gritty New York cinema verite approach. It doesn't work. Down on his luck artist, with a painting which has a eye watching them. Our artist (reno) is starting to have nightmares, which may not bode well for everyone else.
Note, this isn't the 2 disc limited edition, this is a poor quality transfer on another one of my 12 movies for £4 sets :)
Our artist is trying to get money out of his manager/agent to pay for a phone bill. Yeah, I know. It doesn't go well.  A band practicing in the next studio is annoying our mentally unstable artist, to their credit they sound good (very Pere Ubu actually), but it's 2am and our artist is upset.
But in a teaser, they're still alive !!! However there is tension within the band, Tony is not listening. NOT LISTENING. To a very NY sounding woman. Artist is now stabbing a hunk of meat. I'm guessing we should imply his mental state is degenerating.
I will note we're 35mins in and although we've had some boob, there has been no murder.

Ahh significant improvement. The Driller Killer has arrived, those damn bums are gonna get it.

We're back to the band now, they're called The Roosters we've just discovered. They riff a lot off Mancini's baby elephant walk.

Still finance problems. More killing, but now, maybe a commission, from the musician.
One of the girls has run off to her ex. And our DK is bringing the agent down to his studio at night, after the agent refused to buy one of his paintings. More tension, more drama. More drilling. And Reno (DK) is looking for a new agent, the old one being found by one of his housemates. She acts. And then, thankfully her acting is curtailed by Reno.
DK pops over to where the other housemate ran off to (Stephen's) and gives Steve a damn good drilling while she's in the shower. She climbs into bed with supposed Stephen ... and the film ends.

Overall, pointless story, bad acting, and quite good music. Worth a spin.

Movies: Picasso Trigger

Picasso Trigger.
More Andy Sidaris. This one is going for international classy by opening with shots of Paris. Then cuts to, what the director will hope we call, a chateau. Except it looks very Californian. Our (presumed) hero is in a dressing gown, which he loses revealing a scar on his chest. He's donating a Picasso to France.

Side note: Howard Wexler was the DoP. Howard is justly famous for his work on such classics as the Evil Bong series.

Sadly our hero is no longer with us. Another dressing gown man is ringing another chap wearing budgie smugglers and living on a boat.
Everyone is, apparently, spies. Including the strippers, who are line dancing. I have been unable to find you some of that action, I'm sorry, so so sorry.
I now have beer. This will help (for those playing at home: Brewdog Mashtag 2016).

Having planted a bug on some of the spies, some of the other spies (same team as the art dude, who we learn was a drug smuggler) follow in a chopper, then blow up the car. Back to big haired women discussing the Agency. More spies are dead. There is bad poetry involved - 'Give 'em a lei, blow 'em away'.

Little disappointing for an Andy movie, it's taken 17mins before breast sighting.
The girls' (also spies) boat has been blown up by a remote control plane (was osama a Andy Sidaris fan?). Followed by more explosions, of various people. LG is now calling Travis. None of these people mean anything to me. More Hawaii shots, and reference to the Agency. Cue Synths. Many Synths.
More Line Dancing, and seduction. There's now a boat chase, I recognise some of the protagonists, but in all honesty my beer is more interesting. But hey, there's guns, girls and g-strings - as the advertising for this Sidaris boxset went...
The guy has a phone in his desk drawer. But they also have a nice looking car, I think it's a Lamborghini, but really, expecting me to know these things is a bit silly.  It's got that big fat arse that I seem to recall Lamb' had...
Story threatened to intrude, so we're back to stripper line dancing. Now there's a writer/director who knows his audience.

Overall, delivers on what it promises. Works with beer, and presumably pizza.

Movies : Bloody Pit of Horror

Bloody Pit of Horror
Italian horror movie dubbed into English, with lots of exposition. Why yes, I did like it.
The Crimson Executioner died many years ago, but in a convenient plot device, he's back to terrorise a castle where [NOTE: even more coincidence] some sexy Italians are shooting photos for horror book covers.
Yes I know. You may also need to read this afterwards.

People die. Blood is bright red. Exposition rules OK, and the dubbing is as bad as the acting. Imagine Hammer Horror, dubbed from italian into english, but with better looking actors, and very cheesy sounding american voices. Eg 'how could you, you're a monster, a monster!' and 'you, you mean nothing to me now, even if I missed you after I abandoned the world.'
The bad guy is called Travis. Make of that what you will.

Here ya go, the entire movie: