30 August 2016

Movies : Sexy Killer

A Spanish horror movie from 2008, Sexy Killer was on the Horror Channel a few weeks ago and with my new and exciting Humax FreeSat + external harddrive, the world is my oyster. Opens with a bunch of attractive young ladies getting changed and bitching about each other. Followed a peeping tom getting a little decapitated by our sexy killer. And she is. Very.
All with a lounge version of Barbie Girl.
It's very funny, in a very black kinda way. Reminds me a lot of Takeshi Miike. The small interludes are inspired, inclduing a guide to murder using common kitchen implements in the style of a home cooking show.
Additionally we get machines which pull back memories from the dead, zombies, and a killer soundtrack. The reanimated zombies pottering around the morgue is 'different'...but never fear, they're off to a party.

Highly recommended.

29 August 2016

Movies : Kill Point

I would like to point out I do watch other types of movies, for example Belleville Rendezvous was watched last night, but really, none of you want reviews of that.

I cracked open the Action Pack 12 movie set today, and first up was 'Kill Point' (1984). You know it's good, as Richard Roundtree is involved, and by good, I mean bad. We open with a soldier shooting someone, he looks focussed, and now a flashback and the title.
Everyone has guns, and there's a dinner in progress, with a deep voiceover followed by a massacre.
Brilliant - cop chief is fat with a big moustache, even better his name is Skidmore, and he answers the phone with 'skidmore'.
Our heroes include an Asian called 'Long', played by leo fong, see what they did there?
There's a shootout in a grocery store, and someone went flying through a stack of eggs. Yes, this movie has it all, even albumin abuse. More flashbacks for Long, this time about a girl, I guess this is to explain why he looks so morose. But enough of that, it's montage time!! Fong-tage!
What the hell? now got country music. ahhh following some guns, we're back to electronic drums and bad synths. *phew*
There is some sort of plot about gun runners. It doesn't make much (?any?) sense. And Long is continuing to look morose, but he knows kung fu. Because he's asian. Obviously. I need a beer, this is getting to me.

28 August 2016

Movies : Drive in massacre & Mesa of Lost Women

It keeps raining and it's muggy, so I can't be bothered doing much. I've finished putting the accordion back together, so it must be movie time.

First up was the 1976 slasher, Drive in massacre.
there was a lot of marketing about this being terrifying etc - it was OK. In a incompetent cops, dead people, odd characters kinda way.  Bit hard to review as it kinda wandered around a lot. It would work as a late night drive in movie, and it did end nicely with the voiceover "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the manager. Do not panic. There is a murderer loose in the theater. I repeat, do not panic. The police are on the way. "

But, because I'm generous, here's the full thing:
Next up, the 1953 'mesa of lost women'. Starts off quite typically of the 50s sci fi horror movies, lots of voiceover, strong jawed hero - male doctor (as expected) - couple gets lost in a desert and claims
there's people in there!
We find out about a mad scientist (also male), called Dr Arana. He's probably up to no good, but he has a dwarf, so swings n roundabouts. OMG he's breeding a super race of woman with tarantula venom. We've moved into a mexican cantina, one of the spider women (?) is about to dance, she's very sultry, arachnosultry. Could she be entrapping the men in her dancey web? Ah not so much, she was shot - but now she's alive again. "The body just got up and walked out of here."
Crazy doctor makes a plane crash, they wander (very slowly) through a forest, it's painful. So very painful. Ah we're back to Dr Arana who is sending out more super women out to get them. 
Not overly recommended. 

HEre's the full thing:

21 August 2016

Movies : Don't look in the basement

Don't look in the basement (1973)
We open with an army flashback, in what (we presume) is a psych ward. The old nurse is saying farewell to her patients. Gus is now murdering people with an axe.
The new nurse has arrived, she's a bit confused by things. and the inmates are targeting her. huzzah.
Everyone is over acting, and they're all very shiny.
there is a lot of exposition. Dr Stephen's looms large, non of us very sure why.
A new character, a phone repairer, has arrived. Things don't look good for him. There has to be a nympho character and she's now talking to the phone guy. Meanwhile a knife is being inflicted on our nurse. 50 mins and no hint of a plot or character development yet.

Really bad boring movie.

14 August 2016

Movies: Driller Killer

The Driller Killer
I think they were going for a gritty New York cinema verite approach. It doesn't work. Down on his luck artist, with a painting which has a eye watching them. Our artist (reno) is starting to have nightmares, which may not bode well for everyone else.
Note, this isn't the 2 disc limited edition, this is a poor quality transfer on another one of my 12 movies for £4 sets :)
Our artist is trying to get money out of his manager/agent to pay for a phone bill. Yeah, I know. It doesn't go well.  A band practicing in the next studio is annoying our mentally unstable artist, to their credit they sound good (very Pere Ubu actually), but it's 2am and our artist is upset.
But in a teaser, they're still alive !!! However there is tension within the band, Tony is not listening. NOT LISTENING. To a very NY sounding woman. Artist is now stabbing a hunk of meat. I'm guessing we should imply his mental state is degenerating.
I will note we're 35mins in and although we've had some boob, there has been no murder.

Ahh significant improvement. The Driller Killer has arrived, those damn bums are gonna get it.

We're back to the band now, they're called The Roosters we've just discovered. They riff a lot off Mancini's baby elephant walk.

Still finance problems. More killing, but now, maybe a commission, from the musician.
One of the girls has run off to her ex. And our DK is bringing the agent down to his studio at night, after the agent refused to buy one of his paintings. More tension, more drama. More drilling. And Reno (DK) is looking for a new agent, the old one being found by one of his housemates. She acts. And then, thankfully her acting is curtailed by Reno.
DK pops over to where the other housemate ran off to (Stephen's) and gives Steve a damn good drilling while she's in the shower. She climbs into bed with supposed Stephen ... and the film ends.

Overall, pointless story, bad acting, and quite good music. Worth a spin.

5 August 2016

Movies: Picasso Trigger

Picasso Trigger.
More Andy Sidaris. This one is going for international classy by opening with shots of Paris. Then cuts to, what the director will hope we call, a chateau. Except it looks very Californian. Our (presumed) hero is in a dressing gown, which he loses revealing a scar on his chest. He's donating a Picasso to France.

Side note: Howard Wexler was the DoP. Howard is justly famous for his work on such classics as the Evil Bong series.

Sadly our hero is no longer with us. Another dressing gown man is ringing another chap wearing budgie smugglers and living on a boat.
Everyone is, apparently, spies. Including the strippers, who are line dancing. I have been unable to find you some of that action, I'm sorry, so so sorry.
I now have beer. This will help (for those playing at home: Brewdog Mashtag 2016).

Having planted a bug on some of the spies, some of the other spies (same team as the art dude, who we learn was a drug smuggler) follow in a chopper, then blow up the car. Back to big haired women discussing the Agency. More spies are dead. There is bad poetry involved - 'Give 'em a lei, blow 'em away'.

Little disappointing for an Andy movie, it's taken 17mins before breast sighting.
The girls' (also spies) boat has been blown up by a remote control plane (was osama a Andy Sidaris fan?). Followed by more explosions, of various people. LG is now calling Travis. None of these people mean anything to me. More Hawaii shots, and reference to the Agency. Cue Synths. Many Synths.
More Line Dancing, and seduction. There's now a boat chase, I recognise some of the protagonists, but in all honesty my beer is more interesting. But hey, there's guns, girls and g-strings - as the advertising for this Sidaris boxset went...
The guy has a phone in his desk drawer. But they also have a nice looking car, I think it's a Lamborghini, but really, expecting me to know these things is a bit silly.  It's got that big fat arse that I seem to recall Lamb' had...
Story threatened to intrude, so we're back to stripper line dancing. Now there's a writer/director who knows his audience.

Overall, delivers on what it promises. Works with beer, and presumably pizza.

2 August 2016

Movies : Bloody Pit of Horror

Bloody Pit of Horror
Italian horror movie dubbed into English, with lots of exposition. Why yes, I did like it.
The Crimson Executioner died many years ago, but in a convenient plot device, he's back to terrorise a castle where [NOTE: even more coincidence] some sexy Italians are shooting photos for horror book covers.
Yes I know. You may also need to read this afterwards.

People die. Blood is bright red. Exposition rules OK, and the dubbing is as bad as the acting. Imagine Hammer Horror, dubbed from italian into english, but with better looking actors, and very cheesy sounding american voices. Eg 'how could you, you're a monster, a monster!' and 'you, you mean nothing to me now, even if I missed you after I abandoned the world.'
The bad guy is called Travis. Make of that what you will.

Here ya go, the entire movie: