The speech

Ok, my notes were vague, I extrapolated a lot, but I think this covers most of what I touched on in the speech. Obviously the pauses and asides I can't remember, although I was sober at the time (mostly).

I apologise in advance for the absence of offensive comments, but I'm scared of Alex. In much the same way she was scared of my hair. Except she hits harder than the hair did.

Andrew and I have known each other for far too long, initially as 'the teetotaller' in a friends flat, and later as long term flatmates. As such I believe this is the ideal time to offer advice and support to Alex. I'd like to think I've had some positive civilising effects on the boy from Pram. Pram's similar to Essex. He can, when pressed, critique coffee - which isn't hard in this country - and has been known to do dishes. Sometimes.

Alex, techniques I've used in the past include, when the dishes have stacked up, cooking a fantastic meal - for one. Works well, but block your ears if bad words ain't your thing.
Andrew and I met at Uni, which many of you will be aware with his catch-cry of "when I was a criminology major". An academic claim that needs some explaining. Many years, many courses, many papers, many essays - some for Andrew, some for other people, all resulting in an 'almost' degree. A life experience would probably be the kindest description of academic Andrew.

It hasn't been all one-sided with him grasshopper, me master. I have learnt much at Salmon-san's feet, including three topics I'd like to explore; textile analysis, fiscal management, and task-orientated efficiency. the looks on most of your faces suggests some explanation may be needed.

Textile analysis: Andrew is less than keen on clothes washing, which frequently led to days without clean t-shirts and a sad Andrew. Thankfully as manager of a comics shops (crickey, what career moves hes made!) a ready supply of t-shirts were on hand.
I'd love to say that after the test-drive that they were all purchased, but a more common outcome was an eventual wash and resale to other solidly built comic geeks.

This 'shop will provide' ethos brings me to fiscal management. I suggest to Andrew's Gosh workmates they block their ears, banking was done on Monday morning and the IOUs to the till kicked in Monday afternoon. Just in time for the matinee movies...

Lastly, task-orientated learning. Our microwave was in the living room due to space issues in the kitchen, and Andy's favourite chair was next to the microwave.
Andrew likes pies. Andrew liked microwaving pies, but sadly for our hero the pie sometimes stopped on the far side of the microwave. The flat learnt, via Swarmi-Salmond, that three seconds brought it around to the front. Saving energy better used for consuming PIE.

Andrew flatted with France and I for years, his collection of comics, plastic toys, computer games and inept cooking (how did that casserole dish crack...) led to a christening of 'Man-Child'. Man-Child did so enjoy his role, watching the neighbour top-less sunbathing from our 3rd floor flat, dropping hideous engagement pressies out the window. great times.

Having met the lovely Alex, and see her approach to Man-Child is like a caring Os Du Rant, I'm confident she'll be able to manage. Although in Andrew's defence, he was always the sweetest most caring and sensitive of my mates, always there to help people, or drink with them.

Drink. Now there's something we've done a bit of. Homebrew in the flat, 20L for 7 quid, good quality ale. And thanks to my biochem skills, we got our gingerbeer to 15%. 1L of that and we were anyones, although in deference to Alex and the audience, it *always* led to Nintendo64, Playstation, Manic St Preachers, bad 80s hair metal vids, or the Bangles (his choice).

I've obviously cut a lot from this. To stop me looking like a drunk pervert, to protect Andrew, to protect me from Alex, and because his transgenderism is no longer an issue.
I would also like to say thanks for the Tom Waits tickets, given his love for Tom - and he got me into Tom, it must have hurt to say no to the gig. It wouldn't have helped that he bought tix for me, as I was drunk at a Scotch tasting...I forgot to mention that at the time tho.

So to my best mate, whose been there during some traumatic times in both our lives, I'd like to thank you for asking me to be here for you. And to wish you both the best, I can't think of a better match for you than Alex. I know she'll be looking shocked at me being nice, but sadly, I even mean it!! so I call on all of you to raise your glasses to the lovely A-team of Alex and Andrew.