I'm not OK. This is not a cry for help. I think I need to emphasise that given where I think this blog is going. I'm sick of my research. And not only because it took 9 months to get feedback. I am prepared to name and shame, but I struggle to see the point. I was asked, post submission, to finish some research, I did that. I sent it to the person asked to help me with the section in question. That I did 2.5 to 3 weeks ago. I emphasised how pressed I was with time. Make any difference? Fuck no.
And that, as I see it, is it. I've had enough. If I don't get feedback by Thurs/Fri I will be quitting. I have written my resignation letter, if one can call it that given it's effectively volunteer work.
I realise many of you will trot out the usual cliches of 'but you're so close', 'but frances would want you to finish', 'but it seems a waste of X many years'. Yes, I've heard them. And as much as I respect your opinion, I don't care. I've been listening to them for sometime. And all it's achieved, as far as I can tell, is to make me more stressed, grumpy, and directionless. This time I think I need to take charge. I've been thinking of this for some time, what affects it has had on me, how I see my life going, and what I want to achieve.
Basically I'm struggling to see a career in science. I'd love one, sure. But I don't see it happening, I'm pissy, grumpy and largely disillusioned. I love teaching, in fact I had an ex-student come up to me last week who I'd said on his essay go see the student support services, as he couldn't write a sentence. He did, he went to a writing course, and is now getting A's in his essays. It was quite moving, suggesting I am good at what I do. My course evaluations would support that.
But there is little work in my field, and I want to leave the country.
In addition I've had couple of job offers in IT which interest me. I have turned down one of them and am waiting for the other to be offered publicly. They both pay well and are basically rewriting doco, and managing web content - both of which I find interesting. And it will travel.
Rather than leaving this as a look at me, i'm so fucking emo type post. I've thought about this and have come to these conclusions:
* I need to exercise more, I've been walking in and home again, but that's not enough. Need to swim every other day, or at least a bike ride, which reminds me I need to get some lights
* I am going to give the person charged with commenting on my writing til Thurs/Fri before I submit my resignation
* I have some training lined up for my tech doco writing
* Aiming to discuss potential work/training with three highly placed IT managers I know
Bruce.
3 comments:
Dude. Your head-bang-wall experience is probably largely related to being in the somewhat claustrophobic NZ (and even more claustrophic Wellie/Vic) science scene.
Are you seriously wanting to move overseas? Or are you seriously wanting to move more into IT? I think you should pick one, because you won't need to do both.
PS: the better half has just scored a job at Landcare, we're moving to Auckland within the next couple of months...
I don't know if you heard all the details of my PhD fun times but it took me a year and half to get my PhD examined and in the end it took a letter from AUS threatening if we had no resolution within four days we'd sue, complain to the ombudsman and go to the media- I had a press release all ready drafted. I did a whole of other things as well- prior to that I went through every single channel in the University I could think of to embarrass and harass them into at least telling me wtf was going on.
It was completely horrible and I still feel brutalised by the process. I actually have nightmares that I'm being contacted to revise my PhD again sometimes even though I've graduated. In the end what kept me going was fighting the fuckers because at least that way I didn't feel like I was a passive victim. I don't know if it might have been saner to walk away because honestly post PhD and even with a permanent position I can't say academia, and in particular VUW, is a bundle of laughs. The buerocracy there is really dysfunctional at the moment. I think other Universities might be a bit better but I don't know...
Don't know what you should do- not advising, just sympathizing.
Oh wait- I do have some advice- I got an exercycle recently. It's making exercising on a regular basis easier in this crap Wellington weather.
Gimme a call bro...
J
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