One superb NZ red. Two crap movies. Hmm I bought these second hand, and there's a bonus disc, Dracula 3000, from the reviews on IMDB this is *even worse* than the two I'm watching tonight. Bloody marvellous.
Live-ish blogging by the way, with wine. So likely to deteriorate.
First up, Grave of the Vampire. Surely an Oscar contender from 1974? Bad dude who'd been electrocuted, decides waking up (oohhh yuck, he needs moisturiser!) is the plan. Finds young lovers wearing knitted jerseys and enacts fashion fixes of the fanged kind. Oh dear newly betrothed is newly departed. Good news! the Detective immediately decides it's a vampire - phew, that saved plot development! Meaning we can find out, she's pregnant (the ex-newly betrothed who isn't dead), but but but "what's growing inside you is being nourished by your blood, but it isn't alive". Woes!!! Oh dear the detective is getting all necky with vamp. Cute! Baby born, but he's all grey. Apparently this will be 'alright'. Phew! When was Rosemary's Baby? Cos there's a scene here where they are totally ripping it off! Baby likes blood, mothers bloody milk, oh yeah good plan cut yourself feed satan-spawn. That'll work well, actually I take that back. Boy grows up and is hunting his father, unexpected twist. FFS now 30 minutes of plot development, although what plot and what development ? There's a seance, I don't know why either. Sarah is apparently going to possess Ann. As there's been no boobies upto this point, I'm not holding out hope for fun possession.
Well that started off brilliantly and died (huh huh) in the second half. Solid 3/10.
Flesh Eating Mothers (1988). More wine, more dead people. Oh dear there's a theme song, which is nowhere as good as Nudist Colony. Cheating housewives, disaffected youth, drunk people, divorced couples, more wooden acting than an Orlando Bloom movie. Big big 80s hair. So far it's like a compression of every bad 80s drama. Oohhh all the cheating mothers are getting very very hungry. Oh dear, juniors just been eaten my momsie dearest. Well that's an amusing cot death!!! (a line I never thought I'd say). Now feeding another up on milk so he'll taste like veal. Respect. "my mother ate my father" "she's never done that before". Ahh the scientist has extracted the virus from the vaginal cavity. Good ol' scientists. My wine finsihed. Damn you booze-gnomes.
That's not bloody fair, their microscope shows cartoon pictures. Mine never did that, I'd still be science if mine had done cool things like that. The kids are banding together to fight back, none of that yoof apathy we hear all about. But they've got issues with the adults. A scene looked like a zombie-mother was giving a BJ, but it turned out to be an arm bone (r). Look I warned you I was drinking and blogging. And there's no boobies in this one either. Feel cheated, said 18 on the packet - guess that referred to the scripting, acting, camera work, plot - all the boring bits of movies. poor poor pull-apart-pootycat. This review appears to have degenerated into sentence based bullet points, oh well, still better written than the movie. The kids have fought back, with a crap theme song, And now the kids believe in the scientist - that's where I went wrong... not enough venereal analysis of flesh eating mothers. It's all so clear now. The finale kinda looks like a scene either out of Thriller or err that New York realism movie which is a classic and highly influential and whose title escapes me (lots of gangs of bikers fighting each other).
That one gets a 5/10. Dragged a bit near the end.
Not a bad investment for a 4 quid. And I've still got Dracula 3000 (shudder).
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