I am destined for sainthood

Which, as titles go, may rate as most unlikely to see, concerning me. 


However, I have proof. Convincing proof. Not only did I manage to get a new version of MSN Messenger onto the parentals computer (thanks R) using the cached MSI files that MS don't tell you are stored locally. But I then proceeded to fix their email using remote assistance via MSN. 

Nothing too exciting there, until I mention they refuse to join the 21 C., and connect using a 56k modem. Yes modem. Here is a picture of a 'modem', they connect using an old fashioned communication device termed a 'telephone'. Here is a picture of a telephone.


It took just under an hour, most of which was waiting for screen refreshes, but we got there. 


So, although I'm incredibly busy at the moment, it is lunchtime so I'm investigating how to become a saint. Or as we in the biz term it, canonization.
Am keen to avoid the initial criteria of martyrdom, I have too much to offer the world to depart this mortal coil.
Thankfully Pope JP2 (the return of JP, we're still waiting for JP3 when JP loses to Rowan Williams and lands the rematch of the century) codified things a bit in the early 80s. Catholicism doesn't count spandex, lycra, or keytars as essential requirements, but capes, capes are an essential part of religiousness, proving god is a Prog fan boy.


Servant of God. Sadly I have to be dead for this, but no harm in preparing the paperwork early. There are initial technical issues to get over (whose god, what service, etc etc).  I'll give Pope EggBene a heads-up, see if he can skip the 'must be dead' bit. Apparently someone needs to be my postulator. Which sounds rather like an outbreak of the black plague, but never mind.


Declaration 'Non Cultus' Someone has to dig up my body. And play with my relics. Those of you wanting a trial period, give me a yell now, play with my pre-relics!


"Venerable/Heroic in Virtue" I think may have to skip the heroic in virtue section, and focus more on venerable as I have to be realistic and focus my, admittedly prodigious, talents. It is at this stage I get to have prayer cards printed concerning me. Again, it seems churlish to wait until I'm dead, I think we should all make a start on this right now. For a start, since I'm not going for the virtue side, we can flog off signed copies on ebay. Help pay for the whole shennanigans. Go Team B !!!


"Blessed" as I'm not going for martyr, I have to be a confessor. This means a documented miracle is required. See earlier section. This usually involves a a miraculous cure, that doctors cannot explain, of some sick loser. I feel it's time for the church to move with the times, embrace technology, and sanctify (your love) me for my techno skillz. See, I'm even down wiv da kidz.


"Saint" booyar. Miracle achieved, I've already got beautific vision, so yet again, another box ticked. I say start building some damn parishes in my honour. Hell, let me open them, it'd be a nice touch (possibly avoid using the word 'hell' too much in the opening speeches...). At this point the faithful may freely and without restriction (mmm badly phrased) honour the Saint. I'm keen if we focus my faithful on hot scantily clad babes. Coffin dodgers pawing at my pre-relics doesn't appeal. At all.


Result. 


Love, St. B.