Dear England

Dear England,

I think you need to realise that the last two games do accurately reflect your teams ability.
Rather than getting hurt anymore, I'd like to offer a solution - in the spirit of our shared commonwealth past.

Come join us and support New Zealand.

We celebrate everything, team turning up, team running out, team having the ball, and in the more unlikely events, team scoring, team drawing, and the soon to be revealed, team winning.

Here's a guide to NZ football/soccer support:

1. We don't care. Football is a game for penguins and thalidomide babies who can't play rugby.
2. Our hair gel requirements are lower, so team can move faster.
3. Yell loudly, and if anyone harasses you, say you're Australian
4. The objective of the game is to not pick up the ball. Everything else we achieve is a win.
5. Rewards will be great (2500:1 odds).
6. Knowing more than two players is an anathema.
7. Dan Carter could win the WC2010 on his own.
8. Girls play soccer. So our players deny even being at training.
9. Try not to chant 'Hurricanes, mooloo, Can-terr-bree', it's not the done thing.
10. In this case, it is kick it to pass it. Please ignore Air NZ NPC ads.
11. We don't care. Football is a game for penguins and thalidomide babies who can't play rugby.

Love and hugs to the deluded English,
B.